I still don’t know what I want to do with my life… which I know is not exactly shocking :p But I do feel like I’ve made some progress, which actually is slightly shocking to me.

Part of the problem I continue to have is that I really, really, really, really, REALLY don’t wanna just do one thing. And I realize you can switch careers, but I even just mean at a freaking time. Like, I want to be a doctor, a scientist, a teacher, and a therapist, all at once. Now those could potentially all happen, but all at once would be, uh, I’m pretty sure impossible.

I’ve been leaning more and more towards therapy as a profession though. I think I would be good at it and enjoy it. I think I would find it really satisfying. And that said, lets say a Mars mission happens some time in my professional life time, without some sort of cryo freeze or a massive speed increase… they’re going to need a therapist HARD. Who knows if they’ll actually admit that, but yeah, I think I’d make an awesome Kelly Chambers, just saying.

Also, fuck, I’ve been calling myself a bit of a dilettante for YEARS because someone defined it for me as something like “someone who is very interested in a lot of things and so knows something about LOTS but not that much about anything,” and I just looked it up because I can never spell it and it’s kinda like the definitions I’m getting but also kinda not really. DAMN there are a lot of things that I was told when I was young but just accept. I mean, I reject them when I actually think about them, but there has to be some sort of reason for me to question them for that to happen, but that’s a MASSIVE aside. The point here is, I am interested in all kinds of things, and it is, as a result very difficult for me to pick just one.

Here’s the thing I’m kinda coming to though. It’s gonna sound overly simplistic, and don’t get me wrong, it is, but sorta in the same way newtonian mechanics is simplistic… it’s not quite accurate, but I do think it is a useful model for how I work. I have two primary things that I am devoted to: Love and Understanding. For a while, I have seen Understanding more as knowledge, and as THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OH MY GOD. And if I could actually know everything eventually, if I could live forever, if I would some day get answers to huge questions I would likely value the pursuit of knowledge over all else. I’m not sure I would, because there are other things that matter to me, but yeah.

Sometimes I have trouble understanding why people like me and/or articulating what is good about me. I don’t mean that in a sad oh god no one should like me way. I see that they do, and I think they have reasons, sometimes they’re just hard to fathom for me… not because I don’t like myself, but because I don’t see why others would. I don’t know if that’s going to make sense to anyone but oh well, because the main bit regarding this I wanted to get out is I’m having a rare moment of combined clarity and (I think maybe) articulation on this issue, so I’m gonna try to get it out and see if it makes sense to me later (and if you’re reading this and have thoughts as always you are encouraged to share <3 ). And yeah, this may come off braggy (and if it does please do call me on it) but I do frequently see myself this way. People like me, primarily, I think because of those two big things up there. I LOVE a lot, both in terms of people and in terms of things (I don’t always show it, but I frequently do, and people tend to like that too), and I am so very curious about so many things which both lets people share in a somewhat safe way (they know they’re not boring me) and sometimes sparks it in them. Additionally, the fact that I try to understand freaking everything sometimes allows people to see new perspectives on things they hadn’t thought of, because I am pretty good at figuring out potential ways in which the actions of others could make sense. I also have a very strong sense of wonder that I hope never goes away, and that I think also appeals to people. I mean, all these things also come kinda with negative (or potentially negative things that I frequently attempt to keep in check). Like that I naturally am FULL OF PRYING INTO PEOPLE’S LIVES. And that I assume good intentions in people beyond what is probably the case (although that one I’m somewhat more okay with… worst case, I get taken advantage of. Oh noes.). Also I can get way into things to a degree I’m sure can be annoying. But those other things I think are some of my biggest strengths. And add to them the fact that I am insanely sensitive, which, to me just basically means I am full of feelings. I have all kinds of feelings. Sometimes they’re problematic, but they’re interesting, and I think they’re a significant source of my empathy for people, in so far as I have more of a respect for people’s feelings than a lot of people. I still think that people should strive to understand them because I’ve very frequently found doing so insanely rewarding in a variety of ways, and I have TONS of experience trying to figure my own tons of emotions out, which I think is helpful for others trying, even when theirs are not like mine (semi-corresponding flaw being that on an intellectual level I accept it may well be the case that seeking to understand your emotions is not useful for some people, or that my methods are useless for them, I find it difficult to actually accept this. It is also impossible to tell not useful from just doesn’t want to try it/has given up for other reasons, so it’s extra hard for me to manage. But people are different, so I try to just encourage, even strongly, without making them feel like I think I know better than they do… or worse, actually thinking I know better than they do. Aside from judging people who don’t want to figure things out though, I think I’m pretty non-judgemental, though, which I think could also go on a what people like about me list. Not in that I don’t assess information about people and make judgements about them, but that I rarely assign negative values to things, it’s usually just deductive values.

I fundamentally believe every person has to make their own decisions in their own way, and that these decisions are only useful if the person believes in them. 

…Also, I think I’m losing coherency. Oooooops.

Time to get to the song. “In these bodies, we will live. In these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life.” I think I have basically decided that while I would ideally prefer to invest my love/life in both science and in people, investing it in people is more important to me. I don’t think I am likely to ever have answers to the big questions that are vitally important to me, even if I devote my entire life to it. And, relatedly but in a different track, even if I got into space, much though the idea of it makes me feel all kinds of intense feelings, I don’t think it would really be enough for me if that’s all I had. In fact, I’m pretty confident of it. I don’t want to invest my life into something that… I don’t know how to put it. All kinds of words are flying around but none of them really fit. If you don’t get it yet, try listening to the song. I keep trying to say things like that doesn’t fufill me, or something that doesn’t (eeep) complete me or the like, but I think the best I’m gonna get is that I don’t want to invest my life into something I’m pretty sure won’t fully awake my soul. 

And the things I’m pretty damn sure that I *know* I need for that is love, from friends, and romantically (‘cause hey, I have a body, and enjoyment of romantic emotions and sex are actually one of the biggest sources of happiness for me even when I’m not in a relationship, generally through fantasy) AND helping people, and I think the ideal form of helping for me likely is helping people understand themselves and eachother. I wanted to be a teacher for a while, but now I don’t really, I think partly because of the crappy direction teacher student relations are going, and partly because as I think about the teachers I have had, the really important ones I think may actually just straight up be the ones who taught me things about myself. This isn’t the case for everyone I’m sure, but it’s huge for me.

Anyway, here’s hoping I can figure out the proper method of soul awakening soonish :p And keep figuring it out more as life goes on.

(the title is Emmy’s the post is my words, just so y’all know) you know, I’ve thought about this a bit lately (in my case it’s 23, but same idea). Oddly I’ve been thinking about it even MORE since I started working by and large with people substantially older than me. I think there are a lot of factors. One of the biggest ones, at least for me personally I think is that a lot of the stories I grew up on (and yes, we are talking mostly star wars here) had characters that were doing totally crazy shit and were very grown up at young ages. Every once in a while, I realize that Luke Skywalker was 19 when he blew up the first death star, and 22 when he became the last of the Jedi… and I’m 23.

Part II, which I think may be a bigger one for a lot of people (reasonably… and may be for me too, hard to tell) is that society is telling us we’re adults now. Real adults. I mean, I felt kinda old before I graduated from College, but that was NOTHING on how old I’ve felt since soon after I have. I feel old because I’m expected not just to have a job, but a CAREER. A few years ago, being responsible meant doing my homework and not going crazy. Now it means holding down a job, sustaining myself, and keeping it up. 

Beyond that I kinda feel like, with the value our society places on youth so intense, feeling being truly young ending makes me feel slightly as though my life is over. I am insanely grateful I have a number of older people in my life (my mom for example) who have only loved life and kept growing as they get older.

Also, in terms of expected life expectancy, we are between 1/3 and 1/4, which, am I the only one who finds that just HORRIFYING?

good god they got someone insanely pretty to play Jaqen H’ghar. I never thought I’d want to bang Jagen H’ghar… seriously… what is that? How did that happen? I mean, he’s always been a cool character, but, uh, never really imagined him that way. But then this actor came along and is pretty and played him with appealing mannerisms, and, uh, YEAH. I’d tap that crazy, murderous, awesome bastard… well, I’d think about it.

THIS MAY BE THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

fluxpinning:

Cat: My lizard.  You can’t have one.

wilwheaton:

laughterkey:

You guys, the cast of every single iteration of Star Trek is the best cast ever.

Trufax. 

I still can’t believe that this is a real thing that happened.

OH. MY. GOD.

WOAH… actually reblogged from Fluxpinning, but tumblr wouldn’t let me do it that way. Snakes are kinda AWESOME. What a devious and skilled little snakey-snake. Don’t you just wanna give it a hug?

I now have a private tumblr! If you want the password, message me or like this post! There are a number of reasons, one of which is that I find if I might be spamming friends who want a lighthearted tumblr with my feelings, or, for that matter with the super inappropriate parts of my thoughts (I’ll probably still post some of that… I mean I’m sure people could just unfollow if they’re bothered, but yeah) I don’t actually post nearly as much as I would otherwise :p point is, message me if you want the password, because if I have ever in my life met you I’m probably cool with you reading it if you wanna. So, seriously, if you’re interested in the feelingsy side, I’ll send you the password. Or you can hack it. I’ll give you a hint, but you probably won’t get it. It’s a password in some super dorky sci-fi show.

EDIT: also, the blog address is quietkyp.tumblr.com :D

rainbowfairyprincess:

Eh, why not? Amuse me!

I’m in.